Simplicity was all the rage when Elaine St. James came out with her book in 1996 called, “Living the Simple Life.”  As we claw our way back out of the Great Recession, many of us are redesigning our lives to make a difference in the lives of others as opposed to amassing titles and things.  So why is it so difficult for us to ask ourselves the questions we know we need to answer, and why can’t we act on those answers?

Many of us are still stuck in a go-go-go mentality where we don’t set aside time for ourselves for contemplation and reflection.  I coach a lot of mid-career professional who are trying desperately to primarily balance three things:  Career ambitions, family obligations, and health and fitness goals.  There will always be a Yin and Yang, and I think balance is a myth.  Just as we can’t hold a physical balance forever, circumstances will always dictate where time shifts are needed.  However, the importance and value of each important aspect of our lives should never waiver.

Many of the people I coach long to change directions, and start a new chapter, but stay stuck in a rut.  “Next year I’ll make a change.”  “As soon as we have enough money…”  Are they destined to repeat the same experiences year after year, or are they designing a life where they will have new experience each year with their career and family while actually becoming healthier?  The essence of renewal starts with solitude when you ask yourself the tough questions you know you need to answer honestly, and start to design your life where balance won’t seem like such a struggle.

“There’s no time like the present,

No present like time.

And life can be over in the space of a rhyme.”

 ― Georgia Byng

Harry Chapin wrote and performed. “I Wonder What Would Happen to this World?” wherein he asked if we were brave enough to see the signals and the signs to change things.  He asked if we avoided questions about meaning, and what we would do, “If an answer ever found us.”  I don’t think one can count on epiphanies, and I believe answers come from knowing which questions to ask yourself, and having the courage to answer them and act.

The importance of asking yourself tough questions is more relevant than ever.  With the debate raging about women and work thanks to Anne-Marie Slaughter, Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg, I think Margaret Carlson elegantly captured the conundrum.  In speaking with my daughter, I mentioned to her that there is some great gender-neutral advice dating back to 2005.  Po Bronson in “What Should I Do with My Life?” wrote about courage and risk:

“You can make decisions to pad your wallet. You can make decisions to maintain proper appearances. You can make decisions because they’re safe or predictable. You can make decisions because it’ll keep your parents off your back. You can make decisions simply to delay making harder decisions. I began this book because I was drawn, artistically, to those who’ve made decisions to serve none of those ends. I was interested in people who resisted those pressures and made a decision simply because it was good, or right, or true to their nature – and were willing to be challenged by the consequences.  Nothing seemed more brave to me than facing up to one’s own identity, and filtering out the chatter that tells us to be someone we’re not.  I found that it’s not what you do that defines you nearly as much as what you overcame to get there that shapes you.”

Regardless of your individual circumstance, are you brave enough to make the sacrifices needed to pursue your passion as your life’s work?

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” –Unknown

Like me, you have probably been to many graduation ceremonies over the years.  Mine have included high school, college, business courses, seminars, and a fair share of military courses.  I have heard a lot of speakers pontificate, and some of those speakers were well-known, and highly successful people.  The whole idea is that the sage is to impart wisdom so the graduates have an azimuth for their newfound knowledge they might not have picked up in the weeks, months or years they were in said course.  I can honestly say I can’t recall a single anecdote from any of the speakers I have heard.  That is, until now.

My son graduated from the US Army Ranger School last week, and the guest speaker was Colonel Paul Longgrear, US Army (retired).  His speech was notable for two reasons.  It was five minutes long at most, and he ended the speech with a single piece of profound advice.  To paraphrase, he told the 142 Ranger Tab recipients this:

Rangers, I know you feel pretty beat up right now, and I would like you to remember one thing I am going to say to you.  Your final objective shouldn’t be to get to the end of your life with a perfect body.  Life is meant to be lived at full speed, and when you come in for your final landing, make sure you’re coming in on final approach, battered, bruised, losing airspeed and altitude rapidly, with a big smile on your face!

With that, he ended his speech to thunderous hoots and hollers from the new Rangers.  Colonel Longgrear figured out a way to talk “legacy,” and convey the importance of risk taking without using the word, risk.  I have heard an angel investor in Ireland express the same thing to business graduate students with different words and phrases, but the advice was the same.  He said, “Life ain’t a dress rehearsal.”  I heard an Arctic explorer recently define success as the intersection of dangerous and difficult.  In business, we just want our people to embrace risk, and work hard; because the pace of change and uncertainty only continues to accelerate exponentially.

We know from Frederick Herzberg’s work on motivation that achievement, recognition and the work itself (in that order) are huge drivers of human behavior.  Knowing that achievement is at the top of the heap, there is much we can do to stretch people to do more than they think they can.  Not just physically as in the example of the Rangers, but mentally, emotionally… and even spiritually.  Unlike management, leadership is about developing leaders.  We help our people understand their limits when we push them way beyond what they thought possible.  That is, we help them develop self-reliance to create a powerful future.  It cannot be accomplished without sacrifice, and the art is in helping people to forgo familiarity and comfort for long-term gains… for themselves and the organization as a whole.

What’s your final landing going to look like?

Our challenges as leaders are greater than ever.  It’s all the ions:

• Execution
• Revenue Generation
• M&A Integration
• Competition
• Innovation
• Team Dysfunction
• Lack of Prioritization

And our results are coming up short, because our teams are being over-managed and under-led.

We’re planning, organizing, staffing, directing and controlling better than ever, but more than the science of management or the promise of technology, we need to master the art of influence.  We need to balance the discipline of management while creating a culture of leadership.

There are basically six major leadership theory categories:

1. Trait Approach, which includes the “Great Man” theory and “Level 5 Leadership”
2. Behavior Approach, which includes Kotter’s Leadership Factor where management and leadership are distinguished
3. Power & Influence Approach that includes the “West Point Way of Leadership”
4. Situational Approach with the Hersey & Blanchard well known “Situational Theory”
5. Charismatic Approach with the warning of obedience and unquestioning acceptance
6. Lastly, the Transformational Approach, which include the work of Warren Bennis with emotional quotient (EQ) cross-over

I could expound more on each of these, but I know what you would be looking for:  Tips, tools, tricks, short cuts, numbered lists, colored diagrams, and statistical charts.  When giving talks, I have noticed much more note taking when I start a numbered list.  But that is management thinking.  Leadership thinking requires deep reflection, and an understanding of one’s own leadership philosophy.  That is, what do you stand for?  Can you complete the following sentences for yourself, and your organization?

I am…                       -                                   We are…

I believe…                -                                   We believe…

I think…                   -                                   We think…

I want…                    -                                   We want…

I can…                       –                                   We can…

It’s difficult to develop willing followers who are engaged and committed if a clear, altruistic purpose doesn’t exist.  And here’s the key:  The “we” in the partial statements above is something the entire team needs to have a part in creating.  People support what they help create, and the art of influence lies in creating an environment that is opposite of hierarchical organizations with rigid command and control mechanisms (i.e., over-managed).

Level 5 Leadership is all about balancing indomitable will and humility.  We leaders have plenty of will – that’s why we do what we do.  But forcing our will on others leaves us drained and frustrated, because people will never meet our expectations when we expect the exact same “will.”  The art is in giving up control, being vulnerable, being more patient, and creating an environment where others can discover what they control while creating the anticipation (and expectation) for an exciting future.  Our teams need to move from a mental state of apathy and helplessness to one where hope and control over their own destiny prevails.  In today’s environment where a culture of change is a prerequisite, we need to collectively look at challenges as temporary, limited in scope, and external.  Seeing challenges as permanent, pervasive and personal are sure signs that the organization is in dire straits.

So if you agree that real leadership is about people buying into the organization’s vision, empowering people and teams, and producing useful change, ask yourself this question:  Are you easy to follow?

I call my personal leadership philosophy, Self-Reliant Leadership.  To me, it’s synonymous with knowing which questions to ask yourself and having the courage to answer them and act.  The same principle can be applied to your organization:

1. What is currently impossible to do that, if it were possible, would change everything?
2. What’s the most important decision we’re facing?  What’s keeps us from making it?
3. What does your instinct say to do?  Why aren’t you listening to it?
4. Are we realizing our full potential?
5. Is there value and fulfillment in our work today?

In “Creating the Good Life,” James O’Toole wrote about King Creon, the tragic hero in one Aristotle’s plays, Antigone:

“Creon’s flaw was lack of empathy, a trait that begins with listening.  In the end, Creon brings down his own throne because he cannot hear what people want; he is too sure that he is right.”

The seminal (leadership) question:  For whose good do you serve?

Stephen Covey really got it right by emphasizing, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”    Through my coaching I would categorize a majority of the workplace challenges and stressors as two individuals (or groups) with misaligned expectations.  My advice is always the same:  “That person is probably dealing with something you aren’t aware of, so understand where they’re coming from, and then, and only then, help them understand your point of view.”  That is the only way to influence someone so that they willingly commit to your point of view.  It sounds so simple, but it’s obviously one of the hardest parts of working collaboratively, because teamwork is more critical than ever.

One of the reasons executives aren’t able to execute strategy and move their organizations from excellent to extraordinary is because those that need to support and carry out the strategy weren’t involved in helping create the strategy.  Not helping people find their place in the vision and the strategy (their purpose for commitment) is the root cause of team dysfunction.  A recent University of Phoenix survey found that 95% of people said teams serve an important purpose, but only 24% prefer to work on a team.  Logically and rationally, we know an effective team can be extremely rewarding experience.  We know teams are capable of accomplishing far greater things than one individual, yet we allow our emotions to get the best of us.  We get angry with others because they let us down.  The anger comes from perceived injustices, conflict, humiliation, negligence or betrayal.  We usually respond in classic fight or flight:  We lash out and attack, or we withdraw and sulk.  Neither response improves collaboration, job satisfaction, or personal fulfillment.

People support what they help create.   It’s that simple, but leaders are hanging on to outdated “command and control” practices, where only they know what’s best because they have “the big picture.”  Management strategy alone is no longer adequate, because artful leadership is required for effective execution and accelerating results.  Leaders must become teachers and engage the entire organization in helping craft strategic imperatives and prerequisites.

I don’t come across many organizational challenges that are truly unique.  Solutions don’t involve being more innovative, developing competitive matrices, or creating the most clever strategy.  Leading is simple, but extremely hard, because it involves a myriad of variables that revolve around human emotions and plenty of irrational and illogical behavior.  Rather than focusing on interpersonal skills and “communicating” more effectively, leaders can accelerate their organization’s growth by involving others in initiatives that improve the organization’s overall effectiveness.  As a math problem, it would simply be, E=Q*A (E – Effectiveness, Q-Quality, A – Acceptance).

Assuming everyone is dealing with something – some adversity, some crucible, some trying time – it’s important to keep help others keep a perspective on the big scheme of things.

After seeing a photo of earth taken in 1990 by the Voyager 1 spacecraft from a distance of 3.7 billion miles, Carl Sagan wrote about the Pale Blue Dot that is our planet.  I believe his primary intent was to underscore our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another:

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

 The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.”

How are you guiding people to the source of their own power to collaboratively and heroically lead your organization?

I certainly wanted to stay in the warm bed today, but I knew there is no better morning to enjoy a truly solitary run than New Year’s Day.  It was ten degrees, but I was treated to a golden sunrise – the perfect perspective to be alone with my reflections on the past year, and anticipation for an exciting new year.

It’s easy to think about personal and professional adversity we faced as we reflect on a year’s passing.  We can dwell on the negative, or we can be resilient.  Resilience is the ability to readily return to original form after adversity.  Tapping into our own self-reliance means we use the inevitable adversity of our lives to improve upon the original form.

There is a great deal of scholarship on how we respond to adversity from Paul Stolz, PhD.  He outlined four core dimensions of one’s adversity quotient:

1. “Control:  The extent to which someone perceives they can influence whatever happens next
2. Ownership:  The likelihood that someone will actually do anything to improve the situation, regardless of their formal responsibilities  
3. Reach:  The extent to which someone perceives an adversity will ‘reach into’ and affect other aspects of the situation or beyond 
4. Endurance:  The length of time the individual perceives the situation/adversity will last, or endure.”

Dr. Stolz’ research indicates that pessimists respond to adversity as permanent, pervasive and personal.  Optimists see adversity as temporary, limited, and external.  Given that the one thing we have absolute control over is how we respond to our environment, it makes sense that optimists tap into their own self-reliance whereas pessimists flounder in learned helplessness.

Stolz’s research has much in common with what is know as the Locus of Control.  The concept was developed by J.B. Rotter in the 1950’s (13 item questionnaire), and divides us into having one of two perspectives.  An External Locus of Control holds that behavior is guided by fate, luck, or other external circumstances.  An Internal Locus of Control holds that behavior is guided by personal decisions and efforts.

We all start the year with big plans, but we need periodic solitude to reflect on our progress, and how we’re responding to challenges.  Is our Locus of Control internal or external?  Are we approaching those we wish to influence as realistic optimists, or helpless pessimists?  Are we simply being resilient, or are we using the inevitable adversity to make us better, stronger, and ultimately happier?

Remember, you can’t test your resilience if you don’t leave your comfort zone.

We met Retired Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf on November 6, 2002.  He was at Colorado State University for  ”Bridges to the Future: American History and Values in Light of 9/11″ where he gave a talk on “Leadership in Difficult Times.”  When my son approached him at a small reception, he said to the General, “Sir.  I read your book… three times.”  When the General heard that, his eyes lit up, and he grabbed Kevin by the shoulders and posed for the picture you see here.  Kevin was twelve years old at the time, and ten years after this picture, Kevin graduated from the United States Military Academy – just like his first hero.  The General can be credited with his part in creating a voracious reader to this day.  A life of service is a life well lived, General.  RIP.

The wave of bad news seems to have reached a new level of intensity.   It does force us to pause and take stock in what truly matters.  Gratitude is defined as, “The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”  A few years ago, I made the conscious decision to spend my discretionary time with people that are gracious, trustworthy and fun.  The reason I picked “gracious” is that I want to spend time with people that are givers, because we all spend too much time with takers.

The best way to attract givers is to practice being present.  If we’re not “present,” we can’t listen, learn, empathize, support, or show appreciation.  There is a lot of talk about leveraging strengths these days, but without balance, strengths can become derailers as well.  There is no such thing as perfect equilibrium, but we can all use the season to renew our commitment as leaders to mental steadiness, and emotional stability to create a habit of calm behavior and sound judgment.

In the movie “Harvey,” the character Elwood P. Dowd said, “Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, “In this world, Elwood, you must be” – she always called me Elwood – ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.’ Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.”

I had the privilege of facilitating the closing session for the Men’s Leadership Institute yearlong program.  We called the last session, The Way Forward.  For me, moving forward as a steward of what I have learned so far involved capturing in a book what I had learned about leadership through my experiences as a leader and follower, lectures I attended, books I’ve read, mentors who coached me, but mostly what I learned from my mistakes and the adversity we all face.

I believe the key component that separates effective leaders from average leaders is the discipline to sacrifice and the ability to endure hardship to strengthen one’s resolve. In other words, leaders are comfortable with being uncomfortable because they know every life event thrown their way can be a tremendous learning experience.

Leadership can be an illusion of control, but changing your perspective on everyday experiences can provide inspirational learning opportunities for personal growth and development.  I believe leadership development can occur every day if you’re observant, reflective, and determined. This course has provided you practical leadership principles for managing oneself, creating a personal strategy, and effectively engaging others to assist you with your own developmental objectives.

Turn yourself into a living laboratory by empowering yourself to start a lifelong journey of observation, persistence, humility, and a disciplined approach to trial and error (with lots of emphasis on the errors because that is where the learning always takes place).

Keep exploring what effective leaders actually do and how they do it, and you will continuously improve your personal effectiveness to develop and inspire people to achieve more than they thought they could.

What questions should you routinely ask yourself?  On a daily basis, what steps should you take to find personal success in your life’s work?  Do you know your life’s work?  Some say it’s the place where your passion and others’ needs intersect.  I believe a key determinant of success is whether you can rely on yourself for self-coaching.  However, self-reliant leadership is dependent on achieving a balance between independence and the interdependence of working with others to accelerate your own personal growth and development.

Leaders are molded from the experiences of their life, and great leaders learn from these experiences (more from the setbacks) at a faster rate than others. I suspect that great leaders intuitively know how to pick organizations and roles where their interests, skills, experiences, and values are aligned with their passions.

Keep focusing on learning how to learn – knowing yourself, learning from your mistakes, learning from observation, questioning, and using inevitable situations that will test your mettle while forcing adjustments to create rich learning experiences. Keep a journal.  I cannot offer a step-by-step list for various leadership challenges, but the ideas above can provide a framework to help you learn about becoming self-reliant to take charge of your own personal growth as a leader in order to create a powerful future. You will have to adapt and change.

Remember…  first, you have to know yourself.  Becoming self-reliant with your own leadership development is synonymous with knowing which questions to ask yourself and having the courage to answer them and act.

Last week, I wrote about the importance of trust in leadership, and saw Al Lewis’ column in the Wall Street Journal yesterday on, “Who Do You Trust?”  It was disheartening to read that in a Gallup poll last week, “Ranking lower than journalists were business executives.”

A quick search of “Trust” and “Leadership” showed 147,000,000 results, so this topic isn’t one that’s ignored in principle.  But in practice, it seems to be another story.  Stephen Covey wrote that a leader’s first job is to inspire trust – born out by character and competence.  One thing I have observed with my students is that when I begin speaking of a numbered list, note taking actually commences in earnest!  Covey went on to write that he observed 13 common behaviors of trusted leaders:

1. Talk Straight
2. Demonstrate Respect
3. Create Transparency
4. Right Wrongs
5. Show Loyalty
6. Deliver Results
7. Get Better
8. Confront Reality
9. Clarify Expectation
10. Practice Accountability
11. Listen First
12. Keep Commitments
13. Extend Trust

That’s way too many items for me to remember, so I boiled it down to three questions to ask yourself (in the spirit of self reliance):

1. What is the right thing to do?  This question is easier to answer if you invite confrontation.
2. Have I taken a step back from the minutiae to insure I am giving laser-focused energy to the right things?  This means you’re empowering versus micromanaging your team.
3. Am I interacting with people the way I would like to be respected so that I earn their commitment?  This requires you to find the value in each person with whom you work.

None of the above questions will be positively answered if the leader isn’t a listener, and striving to hear the unheard.  It takes showing some vulnerability as well.  Kevin Eikenerry wrote a great article on the subject and describes three traits to show:

1. Caring for others – “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care . . . about them.”
2. Mistakes – Admit ‘em!
3. Path to Improvement – Involve your team in helping you work on your development plan.

I’m interested in your thought on how trust is earned in today’s complicated and rapidly changing environments!